Werewolves….two legs far more terrifying than four

the wolf man

the wolf man

Is it the fact that they are slobberingly single-minded beasts that want nothing more than to munch on your tastiest of organs and gnaw on your bones? Perhaps it is their lack of inspirational fashion choices, the shredded shirt has yet to be discovered by a fashion icon. Then again it could always be that this is the one ferocious film monster that can have it’s savagery rendered impotent when you picture him curled up in a corner licking its own wobbly bits or be easily distracted by a squeaky chew toy. See you’re probably sat there imagining the Wolfman bounding up and down and back and forth with its tail wagging furiously as the beastie waits for you to hurl that ball into the distance for the umpteenth time, not daring to admit that you arm is so tired that it might fall off due to the distinct possibility that if you were to stop your arm might be the only part we’d find.

Lon Chaney Jr - The Wolf Man

Lon Chaney Jr – The Wolf Man

Hey! I heard that. That dreamy sigh. We’ll have none of that sort of thing here. You don’t think I know what you were thinking? Oh I know what you were thinking you saucy devil. Werewolves and Vampires and an overrated teen franchise that is just…well it’s just….ah they’re not supposed to sparkle dammit. It’s not like they were proper Werewolves either. They could just turn into wolves and that is such a disappointment. You see all these classic horror films; The Wolfman, The Curse of the Werewolf, The Howling, all films with proper Wolfmen and Wolfwomen. The horrific sight of their bones breaking and their jaws dislocating. The skin ripping apart to reveal the powerful torso underneath. The blood dripping from their fingertips as the claws breath through the skin. Hair sprouting from places so unusual it makes puberty seem like a happy memory. All culminating in a towering creature with fangs like railway spikes and razor-sharp claws. Oooh terrifying.

Oliver Reed - Curse of the Werewolf

Oliver Reed – Curse of the Werewolf

Let us compare that horrific transformation with that of the Wolf Werewolf. You know the ones; Sparkly Vampire films that shall not be named. True Blood, Blood & Chocolate. Aww look at the cute little puppies they turn into with barely a pang of pain to account for that foul mood they’re always exuding. Of course there’s a good chance these Wolves will rip out you favourite body parts and turn them into dinner but at least they’ll look adorable while they do it as long as you find dripping red faces to be just the most delightful thing imaginable. They just don’t have that stature, that beastly monstrousness. Actually, you know what it is? They’re ordinary. They may be of a supernatural nature but the Werewolf form is just far too mundane to hold any interest. You could picture them happily rolling about in their own poop and eating their own vomit like all the other canines of less than stellar intelligence. There’s nothing that would reach down into the dark corners of your soul where you feel safest and drag your more terrifying fears out and then shred them to pieces along with your dignity as you fill your pants with…um…we’ll just leave that one there.

The Howling

The Howling

It’s the two legs and the opposable thumbs. It’s long been said in hushed tones around the world that if more animals evolve thumbs we shall be doomed. It’s not only the thumbs there’s also the aforementioned statuesque height that would be the envy of many a short person, there would be no hiding behind doors, locked or otherwise. Those handy thumbs and accompanying fingers would make it all the easier for Wolfman to grab that knob and give it a thorough turning. Something a Wolf Werewolf would have great difficulty in doing. They’d be frantically scratching at the door and chewing on the handle, yet again giving rise to a sympathetic “Awwwww it thinks it’s people”. No, no, no, it’s a creature of the night and it should be treated with the respect that title deserves otherwise it’s just a really enthusiastic guard dog with nothing to guard. That’s just not going to do. You wouldn’t catch a Vampire fumbling at the door while having no idea how the knob works. Of course not. A Vampire is far too suave, too sophisticated, too pretentious for that sort of carry on. They’d be turning to smoke or a bat or a smoky bat though most likely just slipping in through the window in the creepiest of manners. They really do have to work on that stalkeresque behaviour.

Dog Soldiers

Dog Soldiers

The Werewolf would never do that. It has far too much self-respect to go around pretending you’re not going to be dinner. None of this faux romancing rubbish or mesmerising people with a glamorous gaze. No the Wolf is far more honest with a howl that says “I’m going to eat your little innards” and a ravenous stare that tells you it’s not going to be pleasant. Yes it’s true, not only is the Werewolf more terrifying than the Vampire but it also holds you in far higher esteem. It knows that you’re intelligent enough to understand that you’re probably not going to make it out of this unscathed. Most likely very scathed. There wont be a part of you that will have been neglected from a thoroughly intense scathing. You’re really going to end up as a pile of bones and a future bowel movement. It’s not going to be pretty but then again the truth never is and you have to be thankful that the Werewolf doesn’t feel the need to shield you from it.

So next time you’re out of an evening and the moon is full and the wolfsbane blooms remember that even a good person may succumb to the bloodlust that befalls the poor cursed soul that has the lycanthropic burden but if they’re aiming to do ill to your very precious personage….chin the bugger.

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