remakes, reboots, they’re just too clean

tooclean

I’m not old. I’m not grumpy. But I do have aspirations to be both. To be the one that starts a conversation with “In my day….” or “Back then special effects really were special”. Ah the 70s, the 80s, and to a lesser extent the 90s but mostly the 80s. They were pretty damn spectacular. If you can remember the 80s you definitely were there. I blame the garish, day-glo, radioactive colours that permeated the fashion for my current colour blindness. It was like staring in a nuclear explosion while squeezing lemon juice in your eyes. However we’re going off on a tangent and while tangents are fun and sound strangely delicious that’s not what we’re here for today. We’re here because I had a thought. It was a li….well less of a thought and more of a grumble. A little irking. A complaint if you will.

Dear God HD is ruining the horror film.

And not just horror. But I have it on good authority from the devilishly terrifying Die-Ana over at kinkyhorror.com that the same could be said for porn too. Not that I’ve ever watched porn or even know what it is and those magazines under the bed are just there for the articles and no I’ve no idea what boobs are either or even what a naked woman looks like. But just in case I die first I do have it in a my will that my internet history be dropped into the fires of Mount Doom but…um….sorry….tangent.

Yes back on track. Sorry. I keep getting distracted by metaphorical shiny things. And now actual shiny things. Wheeee sonic screwdrivers Yay!!

I'm not saying I'm easily amused but sonic screwdrivers are cool.

A post shared by Flush Gorden (@flushgorden) on

C’mon brain stay focused.

So are you that certain age? Do you remember when you had to walk or drive to the rent a video? And then picking that video based on how cool the cover was? Yeah me too. And then you’d watch said film and it would be dirty and grainy and scratchy like you weren’t the first one to watch it even though you may have been the first one to pick that pristine cassette off the shelf. That’s what’s missing from film today. Looking like it actually was made with film. It’s particularly a problem with the horror genre. Perfection has ruined many an atmosphere. Yes script, casting and being generally shite has also ruined it but at least while you were tormenting yourself with something terrible the atmosphere emanating from the telly could still draw you in with a sense of OOOOOOooooWaaaaah *scary ghosty noise*. The problem we have with the advent of digital is that it now films everything too well. The perfection of that clarity and the way nothing is hidden ruins the ambience. I don’t want to be able to pick out every last body part strewn across the screen. I don’t want to be able to clearly see the face of the nefarious nasty that is intent on naughtiness towards the hapless individuals. I don’t even want to be able to count the number of freckles on every persons bottoms during the gratuitous nudity. I want…nay I need that ambiguity. The opportunity to fill in those dark corners with my imagination and coming up with something more horribly heinous than any maker of monster could imagine. For my brain knows what freaks me out and it does seem to delight in slapping me in the face with it.

I use Poltergeist as an example as it was the post about the remake on KinkyHorror.com that spurred on this stream of grumbling. Though it’s been a festering piece of ponderment for quite a while that must be exorcised.

And now the remake.

You see what I mean now? Yes of course you do. Everything seems so staged. Yes that is a touch ironic complaining that a scene in a film is looking too staged but that’s what it is. It doesn’t look at all lived in. It has a sterile quality. Where’s the clutter and the dust and the piles of piles that keep getting moved about the house till a place for them magically appears? Is it possible that I am so out of touch with modern living and am unknowingly living in my own filth? Perhaps but it’ll be clean filth. It’s not just the carefully choreographed living surroundings that are at fault. There’s also the lack of practical effects. You have CGI is being thrown at you by the bucket load when what you really want in that bucket is red, gooey, and doesn’t taste like strawberry. It’s really real and it could be touched, slipped on, inadvertently interact with the characters. But with CGI you know it’s not there. You see it and you can tell they’re reacting to nothing and because there’s nothing you in turn feel nothing. It’s all so meh. This could all be overlooked by having a fantastic story, characters you care about and a soundtrack that borders on awesome but really how likely is that ever to happen.

I supposed what I’m really saying is that the 80s were better, the noughties are pants and if you disagree you’re probably wrong. Of course I don’t mean that really. You could agree with me and still be wrong but then we’d be wrong together and isn’t that what we all really want from life?

No. No it isn’t.

Oh and it was 47 freckles on the bottom.

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