What the hell….I mean who the fu…did I really just do that to myself? Not just once but twice. It’s like…it’s like….bugger what’s it like? It’s almost indescribable. It’s like someone shoved a big club up my… well maybe not that big…but big enough to make me wonder just how I managed to sit there and take it.
You’re looking a little bit puzzled there. And yes so you should be. I can see a few of you sitting there nodding along. You feel my pain. You’ve been there. You have watched and endured the Samurai Cop. That glassy-eyed expression as though someone just took a piece of your soul and stuffed it full of cheese and 90s.
Why..why…WHY is Tommy Wiseau still talking. Sorry. I’ve jumped ahead a little bit to Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance. Don’t want to spoil it for you but the feeling welling up in me when he appears on-screen it’s…wait what’s happening now? No, no that’s so wrong. You have to watch this but no you really shouldn’t. You can’t put yourself through this. You really haven’t done anything to deserve this sort of thing. Unless you feel that you have wronged so many in a previous life. Have you? Have you really done something like that? Search your feeling, you know it to be true.
I’m really trying to fathom what it is that I must have done in a previous life to force myself to sit through not just Samurai Cop but Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance. Yeah, in one sitting too. Though by the end it was less sitting and more cowering in the corner rocking back and forth trying to conjure up my past self so I may thoroughly and I mean thoroughly…the thoroughness of what would be done….ooooh it would sting. And not a little prick of a sting, no I thinking liquid skin on open wound kind of sting. The sort that would make a grown man, woman, and bear with no sense of feeling below the eyebrows tear up in pain.
I’ve only got myself to blame though. I did hit the play button knowing what I was getting myself into and there is always a chance it could happen again. Like a cheese addict who can’t say no to another slice of that rubbery cheese that if you ate it with the plastic still on you wouldn’t be able to taste the difference. It’s hard to say no to something that promises so little and delivers so much less. Its…hmmm…what’s a good word?
I do think that word is used a bit too often. I’ve worn it out myself on a number of occasions. But there is no denying the sense of awe that comes over you in a wave of bewilderment when you watch Samurai Cop followed by the feeling that someone has injected LSD into your bottom when watching Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance. Although I do admit the hair was amazing. Not just the real hair but the enormous wig that Mathew Karedas has to wear while doing reshoots. Truly it was the King of Hairs. I can only look on it with envy. Although 25 years on it’s still a fairly striking do. Especially as he now looks like someone smooshed Bruce Campbell and Weird Al Yankovic together really hard and out popped the Samurai Cop. Yeah that’s how you make them. Make you own, just set your smooshing to 4 and leave to dry out in the sun for that craggy manly leather face that tells the story of life. My face is bland and smooshy for I have no life. And no hair. Dammit I’m the anti Samurai Cop.
If you can follow the plot, keep track of the characters, suspend….nay, expel disbelief to a point you may never return from then I say have at it. I can’t tell you where this journey may take you but if you come out the other side then not only I but every person who has taken that trip before you will salute you and invite you to join us at our support meeting on a Thursday night just after UweBollaholics Anonymous . There’ll be biscuits. You’ll have a nice time.
Now if you’re excuse me I still need to get the club out of my….um…nevermind.