I only say this because I’ve been having thoughts lately. Ridiculous thoughts that don’t bear any real attention for they do turn silly and, like the following, contain mostly maid up and imagined facts. These are fleeting ponderings that have turned into those great debates between all the little voices that bounce about my brain. These debate are so brilliantly solved in the moments before the Sandman slaps you in the face with a great big bag so sleepy dust yet completely forgotten in the warm glow of afterno…morning I mean morning, I get up in the morning.

and they look so perky

I’ve been having thoughts about the fairness of the world and while those thoughts could be mistaken for a desire to make the world a more breast filled place I can assure you that’s only a half truth. Now it may become apparent that I am a man or at the very least a close approximation of one and I have boobs. Not great big one mind but I’d like to think a perky pair of A cups. A perky pair that I could show off more or less wherever I want. Be it on the beach, in the street, on a family TV programme or in an advert to sell you birthday cards and yoghurt. I wouldn’t of course. Not that I think there’s anything wrong with it but the local populace do have a petition forbidding it. My pale Scottish skin is a blinding hazard when the sun is out. In fact I’m sure the reason there have been so many UFO sightings over Scotland is because aliens see the amalgamation of pale Scottish skin reflecting in the sun and they think they’re landing light. I do live so close to Golden Triangle that I could be one of it’s points. Ha! In your collective faces all those who said I was pointless.

I can do what I want

Now while I can release my relaxed, nay comatosed pecs to the public and have them bouncing away quite merrily for all the world to see come rain or shine or snow or hail. Oh dear God the snow, never again. However for the most part ladies cannot. I’m almost certain this is the 21st century and with this being more or less the future we do have to wonder why this oversight hasn’t been corrected. Yes there are places where you can go to a topless beach and feel the freedom of the sand getting into new places but socially you shall be frown upon with the furrowed brow of condemnation. For we live in a world where cleavage is generally acceptable, sideboob you can get away with, underboob might be pushing it a bit but nipples, those nipples are a no-no.

I can only assume it’s a health and safety thing. Yes both health and safety, they have come together in one gargantuan entity to rubber stamp a metaphorical “NO!” upon all things that may do you a mischief. Sometime it’s a literal stamp but a safety conscious stamp that has been rigorously checked for sharp edges and rude words for rude words can hurt feelings. There is always a possibility of pointiness when it comes to nipples, a pointiness that could in some convoluted way have a persons eye out. Especially if it’s armour plated. Oh yes it could almost, possibly, perhaps, maybe but maybe not happen. I’m not sure how or why or really where this would happen in fact the mechanics of it are really quite mind-boggling. Though no doubt some one will have foretold of this potential possibility the results of which would lead to the requirement of eye protection to be worn anywhere a nipple may appear preceded, of course, with a two-hour seminar on what to do should you take one in the eye and all the conceivable ramifications of such a mishap. There will be slides, and biscuits afterwards.

Dolph Lundgren – Masters of the Universe

Wait. What is that I hear you say? “What about the children?”….well what about them? They don’t care about this sort of thing. They can barely tell the difference between men and women. I once watched “Masters of the Universe” with a child and the first thing they did upon seeing Dolph Lundgren’s heroic posturing upon defeating the devious denizens of Skelator was “Haha He-man has boobies”. Technically they’re right, he does have boobies, well moobies. But firm perky ones. There is that issue with the children though. They are about the right height to lose an eye from a nipple being wielded without proper care. Ah not to worry they’ll still have a spare and it’ll just be their baby eyes they lose. Their adult ones will grow in after a while.

Now I’m not expecting this to make any kind of difference upon the world. No, I don’t think anyone is going to look at this  and say “Well that was three minutes well spent”. I do believe the most likely reaction would be “You just want to see more boobs”.  No, no I….well yes…but at the same time no. For this mass equalising of the chestical region will take place out there in the world. I’ve been out in the world. It rained. I thought I’d multiplied. Damn silly place to leave a mirror. I missed my midnight snack time due to that and I was sure I’d catch the little man who turns on the fridge light.

No if I was to say anything about this is that I am merely pointing out things that you probably already knew about. Things that may change like the acceptance that if a lady’s ankle will not bring down civilisation then other parts will not thrust us into an apocalyptic onslaught that will destroy us all, and that using the word “nipple” too often just makes it sound peculiar. I do wonder if there was a wee bit more equality there would be more man parts flopping about on telly and films. Not mine for if I didn’t wear undies I’d have nowhere to stuff all those rolled up socks, it’s looking much better now I’ve realised they should be stuffed down the front.

I suppose then the follow-up to “free the nipple” could be “display the dong”