It’s Sunday. Saturday was going well till something…well let’s just say an anxiety inducing moment decided to occur. So I’m having a cathartic ramble to try and exorcise anything floating around inside my brain. Actually, I’m not talking to my brain today. My heart either. The pair of them cannot seem to function together in confrontational situations. The frustration at not being able to have a coherent thought or control yourself. You feel your heart pounding faster, your face becomes flush as the heat of embarrassment washes over you and your voice cracks when you try to say anything. But you can’t say anything as your brain has gone on autopilot ensuring what you do say is an incoherent mess.

You think it would end once the situation is over but it doesn’t. You dwell on it. Don’t plan on thinking about anything else for the next few days because that thought is setting up camp for a circus train of dwelling that frustrates you even more because you know it’s going to keep coming round and round again.

But as I said. It’s Sunday. I say that again because it’s hard to keep track of the days at the moment. I only know it’s Sunday because my belly was craving bacon and there’s another Columbo marathon on the telly. Can you ever have too much Columbo? Yes, you’re right, that is a ridiculous question. If fact, it only leaves you wanting more and wanting to be more Columboesque. An unwavering mind, nerves of steel, a cool overcoat. Incidentally, the Mac was invented by Charles Macintosh, a Scottish chemist, in 1824. Forever giving a signature look to dishevelled detectives and dirty old men around the globe.

You know who else reminds me of Columbo? Joe Bob. I’ve said this before and there’s a good job I’ll say it again because I’ve a habit of thinking “this is the cleverest thing I’ve ever said”, saying that thing, and then afterwards wondering why it sounds so familiar as I realise I’ve said it quite a few times before.

Have you watched “The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs”? I think there might just be me and one other person over here that does. When you hear Joe Bob and Darcy mention the two viewers in Scotland on the “Jack Frost” segment of Red Christmas, I’m one of them. Don’t know who the other one is yet. Anyway, I digest….now I was not aware of Joe Bob Briggs. Although I did know of Elvira for…erm…reasons. The closest thing we had to a horror host over here was Repo Man director Alex Cox presenting “Moviedrome” on BBC 2 on Sunday nights. On the occasions where I was allowed to stay up late on a school night or at least set the timer on the video. It was on there that I saw Darkman, Q The Winged Serpent, Alligator, Escape from New York. I’m sure that’s where I first saw the Terminator too…that is Terminator as well, not Terminator 2. Yeah, I can see from the look on your face that you got it. So the concept of a horror host wasn’t alien to me but it wasn’t something we have much experience of. Fortunately, there’s a video that describes it now so I don’t have to.

Hold on….I forgot to explain the Joe Bob/Columbo thing. At the end of each segment before we go “Back to the movie” Joe Bob always has that Columboesque “One more thing”. That really wasn’t worth interrupting your reading of this was it? You’d already worked that out hadn’t you? See, that’s why I like you. We’ve got the same train of thought. So what am I thinking now? Woah…no….what the….no one is thinking like that. No one. Not even…no…I…you…no you should be ashamed. We’re going to pretend that didn’t happen and just go onto the video now.

I don’t watch it for Joe Bob. That is to say he wasn’t my motivation in subscribing to Shudder. I watch “The Last Drive-in” for Darcy the Mail Girl. Wait…no…I know what you’re thinking. It’s not for that reason. I have known….um which name do I use? There have been so many incarnations….she regenerates as much as The Doctor. I’m going with Super Kasey, as it is the most appropriate. I have known Super Kasey since the sparkly days of Myspace. Which was at least double figures ago when I still had hair yet before I found out my head was perfectly shaped to go without it. I have seen the many career changes that have culminated in the attainment of the dream job that is “Darcy the Mail Girl”. I like seeing people succeed, especially if it is to the point of dream job. I don’t think I have a dream job. I think mine would have no interaction with any other people ever. But apparently, lighthouse keepers aren’t sought after anymore.

I only bring up Kasey because it’s rare to see someone get what they deserve but in the good way. Not like the way Shelly got what he deserved in Friday the 13th part 3. Yeah, I said it and I said it a lot more in a previous post. When you see someone who loves what they do and fills up the interweb with podding, blogging, and an infinite amount of replies to the Last Drive-In MutantFam, this is the only context where I’m comfortable with the contraction “Fam” and even then I feel my eye twitching. It’s nice to acknowledge someone doing well, doing good, spreading a little bit of joy. Even though it is in the middle of a post of exorcising the thoughts going round in my head this weekend. I will add links to the Kinky Horror site and Geek Tawk podcast.

Wait….no….don’t click them yet. I still have more lamenting to do.

Alright well if you are going to check them out I’ll just watch Hogzilla again. I have a bit of an affinity for Hogzilla. It is another Super Kasey achievement as she managed to track down, organise, and help produce a finished version of the Joe Bob starring monster flick. I’m claiming a minuscule amount of achievement for myself as my Hogzilla merch made an appearance on “The Last Drive-In” due to a nice person giving the gift of a Hogzilla tote. Thank you kind person as you are in a very exclusive group of about…um…three…four if you count myself who have bought Hogzilla stuff and things. I practice the karmic universe approach to selling stuff. I post it and let the people of the world find it with minimum promotion from myself. Of course, it could be my monster inferiority complex and fear of success that….no no no…karmic merchandising that’s what it is. Hahaha, fear of success…that’s just crazy talk…no no…what was that you say? Success could be right around the corner? Which corner?! Tell me! Oh god is it looking for me? You never saw me.

Mask…mask…I need a mask. Whew, there we go. It’ll never recognise me in this. Wait…if everyone wears a mask it’ll never know who is who. Aha…genius moment there.

Do you enjoy wearing masks? Yeah, I’m doing the mask thing now. I have to mask up a lot. It’s….it’s so….it’s really…completely….inconvenient. That’s it really. It’s a wee bit inconvenient. They are pretty cool when you get a good design on one. And while they may cause the eruption of giant plooks they do then hide the gargantuan monstrosity. So really, they’re not all bad. I may have to get an all black one for myself. For evening wear.

I’ve had people telling me it’s all lie, it’s a plan, it’s just to control us. If they told you to stop wearing them you would, wouldn’t you?!

Well, yes.

Ah you’re a sheep…a sheep I say.

And if I am then they are just a sheep from a smaller herd. It’s not that baaaaaad. Ewe should try it. I will never ram my point of view into someone’s face or try to pull the wool over their eyes. I think I’ve tired out the sheep puns. I had to take a dip into them. Just for the shear joy of it. This time I’m done but I won’t be sheepish if I think of more. I’m definitely done now. Baaaa!

I think we shall end this here. The thought of all those leaping sheep is making me nod off. I don’t know if this served it’s purpose but it did keep me busy. If you made it to the end then be rewarded with the latest episode of Geek Tawk. So enjoy.