It’s here. It’s happening. We missed it last year but this year we will not. An even so stratospheric that billions of individuals all across the globe will be sitting down in front of their tellies of varying sizes, both the telly’s and the people and possibly the globe depending on its spherical girth. Tonight howev….it may be tomorrow morning if you’re in Australia….oh and afternoon in the US…But for those of us of the European persuasion, it shall be tonight. Yes, it is happening. And if you’re sitting there getting exciting at the thought of a new and unusual sporting event taking place where you can swear at the ref while going “ooooooh” at every near miss then prepare to be thoroughly disappointed only to feel a wash of joy for tonight is Eurovision.

Alrighty, this is not the reaction I was expecting. It might be the shock and surprise that I’m the one saying “Woo Eurovision” as it is something that tends to be full of joy and hope and happiness and optimism and those are not things which I tend to be associated with but…no wait I am always full of hope. I’m constantly thinking “I hope this is going to be over soon and I get to go home” or “I hope no one heard that” followed by “I hope no one smells that”. I have found over the last many years that Eurovision does afford me a distraction, a cathartic evening of critiquing the cultural offerings of the whole of Europe….providing they get through the semi’s and also Australia because of reasons I shall get to…if I remember.

I just like its weirdness.

You may still be sitting there a bit befuddled. The Eurovision Song Contest is an annual event founded in 1956 to try and ease the tensions between European countries post World War 2. Participating countries enter an original song which is performed live to the world, not just the European part of it. Due to its popularity in Australia, they were invited to join in for the 60th anniversary but liked it so much they started participating every year since. The winning country gets the honour, the pleasure, the huge financial burden, of hosting the following year. However, if Australia wins it will be left to the current host to host again. Mostly due to the break up of the Soviet Union there are so many more countries who can take part. It has got to the point where they are Semi-Finals to see who gets to take part in the big night. With the exception of the Big Five. France, Germany, Italy, Spain and the UK as they contribute the most funding. Points are awarded through a panel of judges and phone-in votes from the public. A jury vote was introduced due to countries constantly voting for their neighbour and possibly the fear Russia would turn off their gas supply if they didn’t vote for them. Yes, voting can get very political.

What is that you’re asking? Could the UK win it this year?

Heh heh heh…heee heee heee…hahahaHAHAHAHAAAAHAAAAAA!

*Ahem* no. You could say the UK is still bearing the fallout from the Iraq invasion which caused us to get Nil Point and have successfully failed to get into the top 20 spots ever since. It probably doesn’t help that the songs are shite. Brexit won’t have helped garnish much love across Europe but still…shite songs. Not only are they shite but they’re ordinary. There has been so much memorable peculiarness that no one can remember a UK entry past 1981…no wait I remember one from 1997 but that’s only because it was Katrina and the Waves. Yes, the performer doesn’t have to be from the country but the song has to have been written by a person from that country. That’s how Celine Dion managed to be the Swiss entry in 1988 before she had her Heart go on and on and on and on and on and….Iceberg, Right Ahead!

Strangeness is the way to go. They might not win but they’ll be remembered. Or they will win and still be remembered. Did the Russian Grannies with a combined age of 484 win? No. But they did finish second. Did the Finnish metal band Lordi who dressed up as demons and play a song called “Hard Rock Hallelujah” win? Yes, yes they did. Did the Polish entry of 2014 which had busty milkmaids on stage win? Um…I forgot what the question was after Busty. See….memorable and a touch distracting but more importantly bust….I mean memorable.

Now it’s only a few hours to go before we all get to indulge in this awesomeness….except for viewers in the US…is what you’d expect to hear but I believe PeacockTV is a streaming service that’s showing it. So there’s no excuse except for the really good one of “I don’t wanna”. Go on. Do it. Join us.